1st Appointment

Well today was my 1st Appointment for this preggy. The nurse practitioner is who I saw today, she is wonderful and I like her a lot. We went over all the norm and she said the only concern there is to having Anna and this baby so close is my uterine inssion...so therefor I am not to go into labor if at all possible. As she I will be monitored closer to keep track of AFI to try to avoid the issues we had with Anna, but again since there was never a known cause who knows if it will happen again or not.

They did an u/s. The baby was hard to find, because it is soo small, and they are using a new u/s machine (I am only the 2nd person to use this machine). The baby measured only 7 weeks and 2 days....we saw the heart beat, but did not measure it because we could not keep the baby on screen long enough. (it got funny between her having issues getting it on screen and me cough with my cold).

SO basically when I got my positive HPT I was only like 4 weeks and 2 days along. Talk about knowing early that something was up.

I go back in 2 weeks for another u/s so they can get a better measurement and set a better due date, as of today my date is 10/16/05.
So that was the day that was.

Anna's 6 month pictures

We finally got the on-line images of Anna's 6 month photos!! Anna turned 6 month on 1-30-05, these pictures were taken on 2-4-05.

Family Meeting

Ok we finally sat down and talked last night. We met at 7 pm at the lodge building (across from our church). We were supose to meet at the church, but my parents changed the location the last minute.

We started off by praying, which I think was good.

My step dad wrote a letter to us, telling us his feelings about the whole situation.
Basically we agreed that my step dad was trying to make me relize the house was a mess, he even said they way he did it was shock value. He did say his use of words was not the best, and he feels ashamed, becuase Catherine has picked up on one of his statments and has repeated it, just one time, thank gosh.

We all agreed we need to talk more, and not let things get out of control.

We also agreed that my step dad is a perfectionist and that some of us are not that way.
My step dad said he was not meaning to attack me and said that if it bothered me so much I should have said something while he was at the house. Although I explained to him my reason for not telling him, which shocked him. (I reminded him of a converstation we had when I was in college on the back deck of their house, we he told me he does not put me down, that it is all my perspective and my perspective is wrong). I think this was a wake up call that how people preseve things my not be the way it was intended but it very real to the person.

My mom refused to talk. All she kept saying when asked if she had something to say was "I have nothing to say, but thank you for the oppertunity" She did that like 10 times, to Tony, my step dad, and myself.

Right at the end she did let out a little and I think she is most upset becuase we did not tell them we were pregnate the Friday there were here hanging up the drapes. The reason I did not tell them was because it was something I felt both Tony and I should talk to them about, and by the time Tony got home they were leaving. I guess they feel I should have stopped them and said we need to talk before you leave.

Also they did not understand why we figured they would not be happy about this pregancy. Which was simple...they were angry about Catherine (which i understand why, because we were not married at the time she was conceived), and they were not happy about Anna (which they say is because they had no idea we were even trying - which is becuase they had made a statment after Catherine, telling us they wanted no more grandchildren, so neither Tony said anything, because we felt we already knew their feelings).

I did point out that if my health is their concern, then just say so, don't cover it up with complaing about the way I dress, the house, and such. We also pointed out that right now there is no concern for my health and if some health became an issue, we would make the most educated choices possible, and that if it was a life or death situation, my life would be come first.
I think that is everything. I left the meeting, feeling better that we talked, and yet because my mom would not talk I am sure there is more to come at some point.

Crazy People

Anti-War group targets on-campus military recruiters

I think it is sad that an anti-war group is using violence to convey their message.

I guess what I find even sadder is that these same students are upset are probably using Federal dollars to attend school.

If you don't like the strings that are attached to the money you want to use, DON'T US IT!

I say more power to the recruiters....they have a job opportunity for those who wish to take part in it.

Which Napoleon Dynamite Character are you??

You are Deb and you could drink whole milk if you
wanted.


Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
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Thursday

Well today was a normal day, if there is such a thing as normal for me anymore.

The day started off with Catherine, Anna, and I going for a walk to look for Traci's cell phone, she dropped it on the main street by our house. Well we did not find it, turned out she dropped it farther down then we looked.

Tony wrote my parents an email expressing how upset he is. Part of it I understand, he is tring to protect me and stand up for our family. The only issue I have is he ended the email saying "Until this issue is resolved to my satisfaction I am not allowing Catherine to visit or associate with you guys in any way. This is not to punish you or her but we are family and to be loved and appreciated as a whole and complete family. Your choice is either to love all of us or none of us." I am not sure I agree with that, and I told TOny that. I feel doing that is like those parents who are divorsed and use their children as a pawn in divorse. I don't think saying this will do much good, and is just unfair to Catherine, she loves her Grandparents and her Grandparents love her.

My mom said she was probably not even going to read the email anyway.

Tony then called them at work, and spoke with Pops and said please read the email and let's get together Saturday night at our house and talk about all of this. Pops said he would see if he could fit it in.

So we shall see.

Catherine, Anna, and I went on to church to help cook. OH MY GOSH. We got to church and the amount of dust in the building is nuts. They knocked the whole in teh lower level of the church for the elevator. The dust had to be over an inch thick in the fellowship hall and kitchen. So when Trish got there, we called Andy over and we agreed to order Pizza for dinner and not to cook. And to think this is just one of the floors, there are still 2 more floors to cut holes into the wall of. I can image how much more dust there will be.

Catherine had choir and Anna and I went to knitting, which is hard with Anna, she does not want to sit while I knit.

THen we came home.

Tony and I talked some and I told him I am having a hard time dealing with everything, I am soo depressed. I am trying to stay cheered up, but it is hard. I just want to sit and cry all the time about everything.

It is funny becuase at church I almost talk to Andy about it, but I chickened out. I guess I am just so down, and yet, since he is like my boss i don't feel right saying anything, becuase you don't talk to your boss about your personal life. Plus he has to deal with both me and my family and my parents since we all go to the same church.

Well the shit hit the fan

Well today the other shoe finally fell. My Step dad came by to drop off two of our laps he was redoing and also my birthday present (a rocking chair).

He first went off on how messy the house was. Then we went off on me. Basically told me what he wanted to say at church but did not say. Basically the thinks my hubby should keep his D____ in his pants, and I should have kept my legs closed. That we are stupid for having another baby. Then he said he was not leaving till the kitchen and living room were picked up. So we all cleaned it, him included. Then he went off on me again, telling me how I have broken one of the 10 commandments by not honoring my mother in father. I have done so because I look like crap, and don't take time to do my hair and such. He said I look terrible at church on Sunday, and that basically I am dumbing myself down and not acting like I use to. That I need to get back to the way I use to be, making my self look good again. Then he went on to tell me that I have broken my mom's heart by getting preggy that she herself said Tony and I are being stupid.

Needless to say when he left I lost it....I started balling....I can't stand this. By the time Tony got home I calmed down. That was till Tony comment on how nice everything looked and I told him, well that is because Bob (step dad) was here and cleaned it with me. Then the tears started again.

So my hubby is soo mad...he already left a message on my parents answering machine saying he wants to talk that he is upset. He says he has had it, he is tired of them treating me like this, that they need to learn to either be happy and supportive of us...or shut up.
The worse part is while we was talking all I could think of was how much I have messed up my life, my hubbies life and how wonderful they all would be if I was not around. I hate when I start thinking like that. (gosh typing this I am crying again)

Aggg MY MOM!!

Well every since Sunday things have been crappy between me and my mom.

Monday she brought Catherine back to the house, and told me that Catherine has a cough...then got in her car and left.

Tuesday I called her in morning like I always do....and all she had to say to me was she had a frog in her throat.

Wednesday, again I call her like normal. She ask me how the girls are and I told her doing ok. She asked about Catherine's cough. And then she told me she was fine and hung up.

Gosh I can't take this. Why in the world did I have to let this happen, why in the world does my mom like to make me feel so guilty about having a family. WHY WHY WHY.

It is funny because I have been crying ever since I got off the phone with her. Catherine keeps asking me what is wrong. I told her "Mommy's feelings are hurt". And her response is "That happens sometimes." Gotta love the thoughts of a 4 year old.

Oh well I guess we shall see how tonight goes, we have an advisory board meeting tonight, so I will be with my mom for about 3 hours and it should be interesting to say the least.

Sometimes I just wish this was all one big night mare, which is sad and scary. I love children, I really do, but at the same time I wish this was not happening. The same feelings I had when I was preggy with Catherine. At that point was would have almost done anything to not be preggy, although I dunno I would have really done anything, the thoughts defiantly went through my mind. Today I find my self almost in the same boat, I would never do anything, but at the same time I wish I was not preggy.

I hate the fact that my parents are mad at me. I wish I could just make this happy, but I can't. I dunno if I ever will. It is funny because sometimes something will be going really good, and they will say "I am soo proud of you" but if something is not going they way they think it should, they will be all so happy to tell me how terrible I am doing and such. I wonder if it is because the good times they really are not proud of me, or happy for me....but rather are proud and happy about the way it makes them look. They are very much worried about what others will say of them. I know this because I have been told many times, "don't do something that will make our family look bad" or "Remember you do stuff to make the family look good". Why is it so wrong to make mistakes, why is it so wrong to do things you want to do.

I guess what I am trying to say is why won't people just love me for being me. I honestly believe Tony and the girls love me for being me...but why can't the rest of my family. I guess that even explains why I can't love me for being me.

Well the cat is deffantly out of the bag.

We had our newsletter meeting today. When Andy walked into the parlor, the first words out of his mouth was "I heard a rumor is it true". And my boss, the Dir. of Lay Ministries says "I heard the same rumor". I told them yes it is true, that I finally got an appointment with my Dr. for 2/28. Then Andy was like "oh you have not been to your Dr. yet" I said no, but I don't think 5 home test can be wrong. He laughed at me.

Then some how it got on to my parents and I was ask are they happy (or something on that line) and my response was "Hell NO". I did tell them at least I was not called names this time. (see last time with Catherine I was called a "slut, whore" those kind of things. With Anna I was told "Can't you keep your damn legs shut". So as Andy put it "at least they move up from name calling"....I guess that is true although I still hurt just as bad as the name calling.

Andy tried to make a funny about offering to beat up my parents, which was kinda funny.


Latter that night at Stephen Minstry I told Trish, since she is helping me with the summer trip and I dunno if I will even be able to do it this year. She was all excited, and she was like "remember your parents were made the last time".

It is funny because even though my parents have been made both other times, it hurts just as much this time. I guess I would always thing that at some point they would be happy for us. I hear these stories of families who are all excited and happy and joyouse over an upcoming baby in their family. NOT MINE! I guess that is just another one of the girlish dreams for me. Always wanting to really see what unconditional love from a parent is like.

Lord,
Please let me always show unconditional love to my children. Please make sure as their mom that I support them, even when I don't always agree 100% with what they are doing. Please help me to be the best mom I can and to have children who love themselves as much as I love them.
Amen.

Finally Called the OB

Ok I finally called my OB's office. My OB is soo popular that she is booked till March. And they want to see me at 8 weeks...so I have an appointment on 2/28 at 9 am with the nurse practitioner. They will do an u/s at that time.

Well I finally told my parents

Well I sat down with my parent following worship today and talked to them. After we exchanged Valentine gifts I told the, “I need to talk to you two, you know that I had to come off the mini pill because it was effecting my milk production for Anna.” My mom goes “OH NO”. Then I said, “Well Anna is going to be a big sister.” My mom was like “Well I have nothing good to say or nothing bad, it is neither good nor bad, I know for 7 years I never got pregnant so it is possible with out being on the pill or having to use rubbers.” My step dad just looked at us and said “I have nothing to say.” Tony told them that we always said we wanted 2-3 kids so it is all going to be fine. To which my mom goes “What ever you say Tony!”

So that was that…I dunno if was good or bad, at least this time I did not get called a tramp, slut or anything like that (unlike the last two times with Catherine and Anna).

I am going to call my OB tomorrow and see when I can get in, I already talked to one of our youth and she is going to watch the girls if I can get in when she is not in school, she is a senior in high school and the neatest girl you have ever met. After talking to my parents, I walked down to the youth room and Tony told her what was going on, and she is all happy, at least someone is happy for us.

As a joke I told out minister’s wife, because back in December she said we would have to provide a Baby Jesus for the 2005 Christmas Program, and so I told her “well you got your wish we will have your baby Jesus for you.” She too is very happy for us.

So that was Sunday the day I finally told them…neither a great day nor the worse day…just another day that I have let my parents down yet again in my life.

Breath in and Breath out

Why is when you don't want something to happen it seems to happen? Why is it that when you think you have life all figured out it changes? Why?????

I know why.....God, God has a great plan, that I am sure of, the only problem I have is that I don't understand this plan. But that is when I have to be willing to put my hand in his hand and trust to follow his guiding steps.

*sigh* Some day this will all make sense, but that day is not today.

Which Bunny are you???

you are the "you suck, and that's sad"
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit
brutal.


which happy bunny are you?
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Change's in life

Isn't it funny how when you think you have life all figured out....it get's changed. Sometimes those changes are good, sometimes those changes are bad...sometimes you are not sure what to make of those changes.

Well changes are taking place in my life yet again, this time I think they are good but will leave me with alot of choices to make and a lot of future changes to take place.

Happy Birthday to me!!!

Well I am offically 29 years old today. Tonight Tony and the girls took me out to dinner. I picked Outback and it was wonderful!!

I got earings from Catherine and Anna for my birthday and a present is on order from my parents.

Also got something else, but this is not the place to talk about that. Maybe later but not today.

Holy Moly.....

YOU ARE MOLY


What herb are you?
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Sunday Birthday

Well today my parents took me out to lunch for my birthday. It was very nice, we went to First Watch. I got a pair of earrings and something that is on order.

Wonderful Dinner

Tonight we got invited to Dinner by Trish. It is funny because there is a group of people who have gone to dinner a lot, they always tell us about it after the fact, but they never have invited us till now. And this time we were invited. It was so much fun. I need to write Trish a thank you note.

The Craze

Well this year the Craze was Friday, February 4 - Saturday, February 5th.

We met the youth at 10 pm at church and walked over to the community center. The event was good. You could climb the rock wall (tony did I didnot). You could swim, which I did and took Anna in too...it was a blast, cold but good.

Some of the girls made a volleyball team and they took 3rd place!!

We left at 5 am and headed back to church. Please ate breakfast and waited for their parents.

Then it was time to go home...and nap.

Thank gosh Anna napped too!!

Happy Grounghogs Day

Happy Groundhogs Day

Well I guess Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow today....6 more weeks of winter

Punxsutawney Phil Report

An Apple a day

Well today was the first time Anna ate Apple....SHE LOVED IT! I think we might have wore more apple then ate, but that is par for food sometimes. Catherine had fun helping me feed appples to her.

We have Dishes!!!!

Well after living almost a year in our house we finally got our dishes.
We moved into our house on Feb 7, 2004. All of the everyday dishes were distroyed in the fire, and still had never been replaced.

I picked out Italian Country side by Mikasa.


I love it!! We bought a service for 8 and also, fuit bowls, butter dish, creamer and sugar, lasanga pan, and oval baker, and cereal bowl.

I never relized how expensive stuff like this can be....it was over $400.

But I have to say it looks soo good!!!

Girl next door

You Are the Girl Next Door!

You're caring, warm, and the girl that nice guys want to marry.
Uncomplicated and simple, you've got an easy going attitude guys love.
But this doesn't mean you're dull - far from it!
You're a great conversationalist, and you're an expert at living the good life.

What Kind of Girl Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Check-up day

Well today was check-up day for the girls. Catherine got her 4 year old check-up. All went well. She was very good. Catherine weighs 31 1/2 pounds and is 39 inches tall. So she is tall and skinny.

Anna had her 6 month check-up. She now weighs 11 pounds 12.1 oz. So she gained almost 12 oz in less then a week. Anna is 24 1/2 inches tall. The Dr said she is still under weight but is happy she gained. Anna did great for her check-up too. She would not stop moving, the Dr said, she is an active baby isn't she. Anna got three shots today and did pretty good for them, only cried on the last one.

Needless to say things are going better. And for that I am thankful.

Happy 6th month birthday

Can you believe Anna is 6 months old. Oh my time is flying by. It was a good day for her I think. We had a soup luncheon after church. Anna had sweet potatoes while we had soup. Then I had a meeting with the youth to set the rest of the calendar for 2005. I think we got 99% of it figured out. It was funny because you can tell which youth really wanted input. I know Jennifer and Cameron could not stay, they talked to me about their feelings on stuff and such. Paul left after church without a word, so I have no clue there. Ali, Kristin, and Bobby and planned it all out. Dunno what happen to Stephanie and Mindy, Mindy said they would be there to plan, but they weren't. Morgan told me she was skipping church, which meant skipping this planning. So the three youth and I grabbed the bull by the horns and set out to figure it all out. And that we did!!

Catherine went to the music hall and listened to an organ concert and had a great time.

Then we were all home for a nice family night.

Straight Pride Week

Straight Pride Week!!!!
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=42608

I think it is about time to be proude to be NORMAL!!

More Web Test

Ok so now I know for sure I am a looser!!





And how weird am I???




Am I spoiled?
Your Score:
41
What does this mean? You are spoiled, but not to the extreme. You definitely have had a helping hand for most of your life. Mostly, this is a good thing (especially for you). But come a hard time, you could find yourself unable to deal with the situation yourself.


And my love of money score:
Your Score:
45
What does this mean? It can only mean one thing. A sick thing. A horrible thing. A wrong thing. What is it, you ask? Well, according to the above score you sleep right beside your own money (not to mention you may also be sleeping with someone else's money). You're sick, get help!

So far so good

So far today Anna has been nursing like a champ. I have tried to get her to take a bottle after she nurses, but so far today she has not wanted it. But I can say I have tried.

Knitting

Hey I learned to knit tonight...it is soo cool. I am soo happy I have learned. I hope doing this will keep me more chilled and less depressed, but we shall see.

It was fun at TNT we were looking at old directories of the church and that was cool.

Agg will I smile on the inside??

It is funny because I can smile on the outside, very easily, it is the reason most people think I am such a happy person. Inside right now I am balling....all I have done this morning is sit with Anna and play and cry. I feel like such a failure it is not even funny. My brain knows I should not feel this way, but my heart and emotions are feeling this way. I HATE IT!!! It is driving me crazy.

Test

I saw these links for this test and I took them.

Failure in the myst

Well tonight I can honestly say I see failure in front of me...or should I say out of me. Anna did good nursing all day...always giving/offering her a bottle after each nursing. Well tonight she would not nurse at all, wanted nothing to do with nursing. So I gave up, and Tony gave her a bottle, and I said "well if she won't eat I will pump, at least then she can get some of me through a bottle." Much to my disappointment after not nursing in 5 almost 6 hours I pumped and all I got was a total of 1/2 oz.

I can honestly say I am failing miserably at this...and to be honest I don't know how to handle it. Part of me is just happy Anna is eatting and part of me just wants to curl up and die because I am failing so bad. God were are you???? Honestly I need you can I don't see or feel you.

RAK

I learned a new word today RAK...which means Random Acts of Kindness. I think I might start this with the youth. You make a master list of those who would like to be on it, and you are to do random acts of kindness for them. Sounds pretty cool to me.

Review

Well today was my review at church. It is funny we are supose to have these reviews every year, the first one we had was the first year I was youth director, other wise I have never had one.

Well I met with Bert and Dianna (Bert is my boss, Dianna is on SPPR). My review went good, I think I impressed them becuase I already had goals lined out for this year and future years. The only real suggestion Bert had was that I do more stuff in the community, which I had already hit on in the beginnng of the converstation. The only thing I got in "trouble" for was my vaction time. We get PTO (Personal Time Off) it is paid vaction/sick whatever time. WEll in 2004 even with being in the hospital 3 times and having Anna I only used 7 hours of PTO all year. So I carried over 53 hours. So I was told I MUST take vaction time this year. I told them that I was hoping to go on a family vaction this year, and therefor I might do it. At the end I was asked what is my main goal this year, I said "To try to take vaction time"...and I was told it is not to try but to take it. We shall see.

So over all it was a good review and I relieved. I have seen to many of the YP on the boards loosing their jobs this past winter and I was kinda scared. But I am glad it went well.

Plus I think God knew I need a good thing to happen. Thank you God!

Feeding

Well I nursed Anna till she stopped (about 30 minutes). Then we made a bottle up for her and she downed the whole 4 oz. Maybe I was really starving her. Uggg why does life have to be this way sometimes. I am trying my hardest not to take this personally trying hard to keep from feeling like a total failure, although I do feel like one.

Anna's Weight Check

Well we went for her weekly weight check at the hosptial and Anna lost 4 oz. So I am at a total lost ...I have battled this for almost 3 months now and I just am to the point were I can't take it. I am a wreck both mentally and physically. I think I am going to throw in the towl and suppliment Anna. You would think with all the food she has been eatting she would put on weight.

What a way to start Tuesday

Well at 1:30 ish in the morning, Tony curled up next to me and said "are you cold" I was like NO WAY..he was shivering and was soo hot. So that is the start of our day. I have a sick hubby home , he has a really bad headach and body ache...so needless to say call me nurse Nettie.

Somehow I have been pretty productive today, Catherine and I did Language Arts (2 lessons!!) and did some math. I was impressed and happy!!

I take Anna to get weighed in about an hour, I hope that goes well. We shall see.

I am becomeing such a dork with my emtionicon!!!

But that is OK.. because it is me

Crunch Crunch Crunch

Well tonight after dinner, which turned out great I might add, we all headed down to church. Bob had the alpha newsletter he needed folded. Took us about 1 1/2 hours but we got it done. Thanks to Tony helping me it worked and it is done. The folder did not mess up one time, which is a record!!! While we were at church we could hear Andy, Sean, and Dave practicing and they sounded good!!

We stopped at Steak and Shake on the way home and then came home and put the girls to bed, now I think I am going to get ready to head to bed ....will I ever catch up on my sleep...NOPE oh well.


Can you tell I am having fun with my emotion web page I have. LOL I am such a dork.

Light Bulb Came ON

(ugg I typed this once and it went away - Try this again).

Today was one of those light bulb moment days.

I was sitting on my bed nursing Anna and put on the Dr. Phil Show. I try to watch it when I can, normally I am lucky to watch it once a week at most. Well today Dr. Phil had Dr. Bill Cosby on (I did not know he had a doctorate till today) They were taking to families and kids....they stated talking to this 7th grade boy. He was not doing much with life, not excelling in school, and had some not so good friends. Dr. Bill Cosby talked to him about his choices. He said to this young person, you know you need to have self-esteem, you need to believe in yourself. You only have the friends you havebecausee you are willing to settle. You make the friends you feel you are worthy of having. You have to believe you are worthy of having good friends. They need to have to be worthy of you....not you worthy of them. You only get the friends you are willing to have.

Then it hit me.....maybe that is my problem. Maybe I am not worthy of real friends, or at least I am not willing to let myself be worthy of friends. People who know the real me, and very few people do (I don't let people know the real me...it would scare them if they did) know that I can't stand myself. So maybe that is part of it...maybe since I can't stand myself, I don't have friends because who would want a person like me. So I guess if I want to have real friends I have to be worthy of being a friend.

It is funny part of my light bulb also came from reading Andy's blog today. He waswritingg about jumping into the middle of the river and not just wadding. I guess I am a wadding type of girl. I will jump in when it deals with my family but not much else. I guess I am scared people would not care what I think or have to say so why say it.

Oh well those are the light bulb moments of today, now I think I will turn the light bulb back off, it is getting to bright in here.

House Cleaning is hard work

I was picking up the house, with Anna in the tummy carrier and I noticed she was not moving. Then I noticed it sounded like she was snoring. So I went into the hall bath, and looked in the mirror and look what I found.

I can hadle FREE!!

I called our pastor, Andy, to see if he wanted to go to the Acquire the Fire Banquet, so he could see what AFT is. He is unable to go, so I called ATF to tell them I needed to make a reservation for one. Well this young girl goes, "I am sorry we canceled that banquet". I said oh ok...then she said "I can give you two free tickets to the event if you want." FREE did you day FREE. I was like "sure that would be great!

I would much rather have free tickets then free food. I mean we are talking about almost $70 worth of tickets free...can't beat Free!!!

Tired Girl

You know what I relized....I am tired. I stayed up till almost mid-night getting the church newsletter ready to print and then got up at 3 am to feed Anna....got back to bed at 4 am and then up at 8 am for church. We ended up staying at church till youth group time, so I did not get home from youth group till 7:30 pm and I tired. So you know what I have done, I have sat on my butt and chatted on line and on message boards.

It is funny I love chatting and talking to people. I am soo happy I have free phone now and can call Canada and talk to Kim. It is funny because I have never met Kim in my whole life and yet it seems like she is such a good friend.

Why is it people on-line can be such great friends...and why is it that I can make friends on-line but not in real life? Is there something wrong with me? So I stink or something. But if you get down it I have always been with out many friends. Growing up I would always have that one friend....in Elem and Middle School it was Lisa, she was great. Lisa and I still talk, however we annoy the crap out of each other, because we don't agree with life and God and such. She is one of those persons who thinks everyone should take care of her and she should not have to do anything. She also hates the fact that I am a stay at home mom.

Then in High School I kinda had friends, but none that I would now say at close friends. I hung out with people and that was about it. That was very evident at my High School Class Renioun...I did not talk to anyone, except Christy and that was because no one was talking to her. Most of the people I hung out with did not come to the renioun...no band geeks like me.

Then there was college....I had like 4 close friends. Rachel, who moved after school and never stayed in touch. Nichole who also moved and well I was not good enough and was not slutty enough for her. Then there was and is Abra. She is the only person I talk to from college. After she graduated from Park (the semester after me), we went to K-State. She came back for our wedding and back to see Catherine for her baptism. Catherine, my mom, and I went to K-State to see her get her Masters Degree. Then she moved to Florida. She has come back once, this summer, and we had such a blast. I think we both long for the days we hung out and did stuff together. But at least for now, we are not going to be able to do that but a few times a year. She is talking about coming out in the Spring of 2005 and I hope she does. One of these days I will go down to Florida and see her.

I guess I long for those days when friends would get together and hang out and have fun. I long for those days when I have friends. I long for a feeling of belonging to a group of people my own age. Oh well those longings will probably continue forever and will be like lots of dreams....something you dream but yet never seem to grasp.

It is funny how sometimes one can dream, hope, and pray and never see it. I guess it all goes back to the idea that God will give you an answer, sometimes yes, sometimes no, sometimes wait.

I guess right now my answer is no or wait....and those are the hardest answers to except.

No more "Here's Johnny"

Johnny Carson, late-night TV legend, dies at 79
Sunday, January 23, 2005 Posted: 10:06 PM EST (0306 GMT)

(CNN) -- Johnny Carson, host of NBC's "The Tonight Show" for nearly 30 years, died Sunday of emphysema.
"He passed away this morning," Carson's nephew, Jeffrey Sotzing, told CNN.
Carson, a longtime smoker, was 79 and had announced in 2002 that he was suffering from the disease.
Carson was host of the late-night talk show from October 1, 1962, to May 22, 1992, taking over from Jack Paar and handing off to Jay Leno after 4,531 episodes.
"It is a sad day for his family and for the country," "Late Show" host David Letterman said in a statement Sunday. "He was the best -- a star and a gentleman."
Carson kept a low profile after leaving "The Tonight Show" in 1992.
"He has been greatly missed since his retirement" Letterman said. "Thank God for videotapes and DVDs. In this regard, he will always be around."
Born John William Carson on October 23, 1925, in Corning, Iowa, he is survived by his fourth wife, Alexis, and sons Christopher and Cory from his first marriage, to Joan "Jody" Wolcott. Another son, Richard, died in a car accident in 1991.
Despite decades on television, Carson was never open publicly with the details of his personal life.
"Nobody got to know him," said comedian Joan Rivers, who often substituted for Carson as a "Tonight Show" guest host. "He was very private."
Teenage magician
Carson began his show business career as a teenage magician and ventriloquist before serving in the Navy during World War II.
After the Navy, he attended the University of Nebraska, graduating in 1949 with a bachelor of arts degree.
While still in college, Carson took a job as an announcer with KFAB in Lincoln, Nebraska, and two years later moved to Los Angeles, California, where he took an announcer's job at KNXT-TV.
A year later, the boyish-looking budding comedian had his own show -- "Carson's Cellar" -- 15 minutes of poking fun at the news, on which Carson persuaded stars of the 1940s and 1950s to appear for free.
In the midst of the show's run, famed clown Red Skelton hired Carson as a writer -- and even put him on as host on live television when Skelton was injured during a rehearsal.
"The Johnny Carson Show" spent 39 weeks on CBS in 1955 and 1956, then he moved to New York, where he was host of ABC's quiz show "Who Do You Trust?" and met Ed McMahon, who became Carson's sidekick until Carson retired from "The Tonight Show" 35 years later.
Under Carson, "The Tonight Show" earned 42 Emmy nominations and won seven trophies. Carson picked up a Golden Globe nomination in 1975, three years after moving the show from New York to Hollywood.
Carson was inducted into the Television Hall of Fame in 1987. An estimated 50 million people watched his final broadcast in 1992.
"And so it has come to this. I am one of the lucky people in the world. I found something that I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it," Carson said to close his final show. "I bid you a very heartfelt goodnight."
President George H.W. Bush awarded Carson the Medal of Freedom on December 11, 1992, and the following year he was awarded the Kennedy Center Honors Lifetime Achievement Award.
Carson's departure led to a bitter battle to replace him, between Letterman, whose "Late Night with David Letterman" followed "The Tonight Show" on NBC's schedule, and frequent guest host Jay Leno. Leno won and remains the host; Letterman jumped to CBS, where he is host of "The Late Show."
Who's Who of top comedians
Carson is credited with boosting the careers of numerous young comedians.
"The Carson show changed your life," Rivers said. "If Carson liked you, you were set. He got the bright comics. He picked the ones who were different, who were smart."
The list of other Carson alumni reads like a Who's Who of top comics -- Bill Cosby, David Brenner, Jerry Seinfeld, George Carlin and Garry Shandling.
"He gave me a shot on his show and in doing so gave me a career," Letterman said. "A night doesn't go by that I don't ask myself, 'What would Johnny have done?'"
"All of us who came after are pretenders," Letterman said. "We will not see the likes of him again."
Rivers said she, too, owes her start -- and her later introduction to the man who became her husband -- to Carson.
"We all started on his show," Rivers said. "Every solid comedian today really got their break on the Carson show."
Carson had a special knack for putting people at ease, comedian Jackie Mason said.
"The nervousness never lasted more than a second because he was so congenial and comfortable," Mason said. "He made more stars on his show, probably, than anybody in the whole history of show business."
A guest's ability to make the host laugh was the sign of a successful appearance, said Dr. Joyce Brothers, who appeared on Carson's show about 90 times.
"If you made Johnny Carson laugh, the sun shone. It was such a triumph for you, and he was always, always kind," Brothers said. "[He] never said a cutting remark in all of the years that I watched the show, and I watched it for years and years, because it was fun to go to bed feeling happy and pleased."
"He was kindness personified," Brothers said.
Rivers called Carson "the best straight man in the business."
"Nobody in the world was like him," she said. "He was absolutely the best I've ever worked with."
But Rivers said Carson never spoke to her again after she left to start her own late-night show -- one of many challenges he fended off during his time on "The Tonight Show."
And Carson worked hard to maintain his privacy, Brothers said.
"He had his own entrance onto the stage," she said. "He had his own makeup room.
"You never spoke to him at all before the show. He didn't want the guests to say something funny, and then feel that they were too embarrassed to say it on air."
Peter Lassally, Carson's executive producer for 23 years, took credit for Carson's continuing to write jokes for Letterman until recently.
"It gave him great pleasure," Lassally told CNN. "He'd pick up the paper in the morning and could think of a dozen jokes and had no outlet for them, so I urged him to share them with America."

Girls day out

Well today started off with my mom coming over to watch the girls while I had my Dr. Appointment. All went well at the Dr. Said my incision is healing up great, and you can hardly see it. So now I have two small faint lines and that is it. Said everything sounds and feels fine. So I don't have to go back for a year!! Back to normal!!!

Then I came home it was time to go out. Mom, Catherine, Anna and I hit the road south bound. We went to Mr Gyros and had a wonderful lunch. Then we went to OP mall. We bought matching purses...can't wait till summer to use them. Catherine got new shoes and then we were homeward bound. It was a great time.

TNT

Well tonight was another TNT. Kristin was the only youth that showed up and she takes our minister's class so I was able to do Crochet. I like doing it because it is fun, and something I can do.

It was funny because as we left Ame said we should get together sometime, she says that every week and yet we never do. Go figure.

First LLL Meeting

Well I drove up to Smithville for my first LLL meeting. It was really a toddler meeting, but it was open to all because of the baby meeting being cancelled do to the weather. THe meeting was ok. There were a total of 5 other moms there. Anna was the youngest baby...the oldest was a 4 year old. And yes the 4 year old is still nursing. I will honestly say that is way tooo old for me. It was funny because I found myself watching these mom's and thinking, gosh I never would do that....or oh my I can not believe she did that. One thing that got me was the fact that it was one girls 2nd birthday. Her mommy brought cupcakes....when we left there were cupcakes everywhere not a single mom cleaned up after their child. Thank gosh I did not host the group, like I was going to. Most of the time I just felt like a 3rd wheel

I was hoping that through this group I might find some friends, since I have none, well that did not happen...and I am not sure it will. OH well guess I will just stay in my little friendless world.

I am wake

Well so much for sleeping, it is like almost 4:30 am and I can't sleep. The only down side to waking up at 3 am to feed Anna is now I have a hard time going back to sleep...yet I am soo tired. I find myself laying back down only to lay there and think about all the stuff I could be doing, or worring about if Anna is eatting enough, or worring about life in general. Gotta love it. At least tonight seems to a Dream free night. I seem to be having the weirdest dreams lately and more of them. I thought dreaming when preggy was weird. I mean I have had dreams about being around people who are dieing, me joining the army, weird stuff.

Oh I got an email from a UMC in OPK and they would like to do the 30 hour famine with us, how cool would that be! So we shall see. It is funny because I want so much for the youth program to be a full blown youth ministry, not just a youth group and I want so much to network with other youth workers, yet normally something always seem to not make either a reality. Maybe this time it will be different, we shall see.

OH well I think I will try to lay back down and see if I can get some sleep.

Peace out. (how corny is that to say) oh well.

Newsletter Newsletter and more Newsletter

Well I spent the entire day to day at church working on the newsletter. This one by far took the longest. I am finding as Anna gets bigger she wants me to hold her more and more and thus it makes typing up newsletter articles harder. Normally I get most of the articles typed so all I do is copy and pastes them, well that is not the case this time. So there I sat typing, Anna would get mad, so I would hold her and one hand type, takes forever! But I think I have all of the articles done, now I just have to improve the layout because right now I don't like it.

I finally got home at 5:20 pm and fed Anna till Tony got home, then we loaded up the Queen Ann Chair and Ottoman and took it up to Kay Furniture to get reupholstered. See how long this takes, could take as much as 2 months.

Came home and worked on ironing, over 1/2 done I think now, can't believe I let it pile up that bad. Watch Fox News and just talked with Tony.

Then it was bed time.

New Car Seat

Well on the way to the Hosptial we stopped and got Catherine a new car seat. It is a booster seat and she loves it! She loves the fact that she can use the real seat belts. I am soo glad she likes it!!!

Weight Check

Well today was Anna's weight check. I have had my and have been like crazy.

This was the first time I have taken Catherine with me for a weight check...she did pretty good, a little hyper but not to bad.

So we get to the hospital and it is a different group of ladies. So I have Catherine help undress Anna and on the scale she goes. She weighed in at 11 pounds 4.5 oz. This is just shy of a 2 oz gain (she weighed 11 pounds 2.6 oz last week). I started balling...the nurse was like "what is wrong" I said she gained weight but not enough...I can't take this. The nurse told me that she did great....that for a almost 6 month old she should gain 1-3 oz a week (2 oz being average) and she did that. So I felt better then.

We left the hospital and went and got Anna her avocado's. Bring on more for Anna.

So that is our weight check story

Shopping here we come

Well I guess Tony took Catherine's car seat with him in his car. So this morning I have to run to Wal-Mart with the girls.....shhhh Catherine will just have to sit down. And get another seat...we are going to just get a booster. Catherine is old enough for a booster but not the right weight. Catherine weighs 32 pounds and they like them to weigh 40 pounds. But we are going to get it, this way we have it and such. Gotta love it sometimes.

Todays goals:
1. Read some more of my Bible I want to finish Genesis today! Gotta keep my eyes on the overall goal to read the whole Bible this year.
2. Do all this ironing. I have to baskets full of clothes to iron.
3. Take Anna to North Kansas City Hosptial for her weight check *fingers crossed*
4. Read another chapter in PDYM.
5. Start the new church newsletter and youth calendar.

I think that is all. Man I think my day is going to be full, we will also do school with Catherine today.

Yippy Monday

Well happy MLK day. I dunno I understand why we have to make a big deal about a person...yes I know he did a ton for African American's and Civil Rights, but I guess I look at it this way....why have a holiday to honor this man....when we through a big shit fit about celbrating Christmas...but it is ok to celbrate another man??? Go figure that is the US for you. Sometimes I really wonder if the founders of the US would be happy with were we are now. I kind feel they would be very sad.

Today was an intersting day.
Catherine went Trucking today and went and picked up parts in Concordia with Pop's. Tony was off work and was home. I was in the shower, he was down in the recroom and all of the sudden he came running up and said "turn the water off, there is water runing down the wall." So I jump out of the shower...run down the hall and jump in the front shower (I know nasty site, me running from shower to shower) to rinse the conditionar out of my hair. Well we tried to find the leak, talk to my dad, and then we detrumeind it was not the shower but the tolet in our bathroom. So up we pull the potty, and we put a new wax wring. So now we have a working potty, no leaking water..and all is well.

Since Catherine was soo good while we did this, we took her out to get something to eat for dinner. Then it was pledge and Rainbow time.

I talked to Stephanie at Rainbow and she is going to take over the middle school Sunday School and I will take over the High School. So Stephanie and I will sit down and figure out curriculm and such.

Things are good, I have found that I am not as depressed as I was, I really think the Reglan was making me depressed this go round. I sure hope I don't have to do another round of Reglan, I dunno if I could handle it, I was soo depressed with this 2nd round I cried all the time. Please dear Lord let me be able to keep up the nursing with no more Reglan.

My poor toe

The sogga of the toe continues. You know back on 1/7/05 I broke my pinky toe. Well on the way to the kitchen I hit my foot into the bar stool and sent the leg of the bar stool in between my pinky and the next toe over. My pinky toe moved to the side and like got stuck there. Now it is swollen all over again and hurts to be touched at all. Poor toe must hate me by now!!!

Safe Sanctuary and Youth

Well today Stephanie, Angela, Tony and I went up to St. Joe for recertification. We ate lunch in Platte City and it was fun. The Training was otay...kinda stupid. The issue talked about was what to look for in abuse in kids, and it was funny because Angela, Stephanie and I have all had training on this, dude to being teachers. We had to watch a LAME video and such.

The instructor was OK, but he really did not know the topic so all he did was read stuff to us.

But the training is over and we are done.

Stephanie and I are going to find out what it takes to be a trainer and see if we can do a better job! So I am suppose to call and find out and I will do that.

Youth group was good. We unloaded all the old nursery and then did a study of Reputation and then played Romans and Christians. The games was good and I think people had fun. My talk on Reputation was ok...seemed to drag on. So next week we are doing another Character skill and I am going to see what I can do to make it better. HMMM Gotta do something...I am not liking how this is going.

Maybe I will think of something this week....I hope so.

After dinner Tony, Anna, and I went to P.F. Changs on the plaza. IT WAS SOO GOOD. Oh my gosh these lettuse wrapes they have are to die for. I WANT MORE!!! I am going to see if Ican find a recipe for them. Wish me luck

Yippy Anna gained weight

Well today I took Anna to North Kansas City Hospital Breastfeeding group. They had me strip her down and weigh her and she weighed.....drum roll.....11 pounds 2.6 oz. That is a gain of 11 oz in 7 days!! We did a feeding weight too and she ate 3.2 oz. They said she is doing wonderful!! They said she is a skinny baby who cares.

So from now each Tuesday I am going to go weigh Anna at the hospital and the pediatrician can go rot!

Night of Excitement.

Oh my what a stuck of luck I am having!

1ST tonight I run my pinky toe into the wall...and now I can't move it and it is black and blue...I think I broke it, which makes the first time I have broken anything in my life.

2nd Catherine starts screaming about her ear. Take her to children's mercy and yes she has an ear infection.

3rd she comes home and is to take some Tylenol, per Dr's orders, well she hates taking anything and ends up gaging and trowing up her dinner all over Tony and I. Talk about stink!

4th we put her in the show then make her take the Tylenol again and she throws up again all over the shower.

Can we say a night of excitement here!!!

Breastfeed soga cont

Well we went for our weight check...Anna weighed in at 10 pounds 7 oz. So she lost 2 oz since we were there on the 30th. Which is not good. They had me feed her and reweigh her and she only ate 1 oz. So that is bad.

I got a script for another 12 day supply of reglan (You can do three rounds of it...so this is round 2) and they are having me use a hospital grade pump.

We are suppose to go back in 10 days, but no appointment has been set yet.

I did break down in the office and start crying....I want this to work soo bad!!!

Back in the swing of things

Well we got back into the swing of things. We started our day by running to the bank and the teacher's supply store to get my January book (yes late I know).

We came home and got back into the swing of school. First we did our morning devotion, then we did the Pledge and she remembered it!!! Then we did the Star Spangle Banner and went over our Presidents and added #6. She is doing great with them. We started our Language Arts and worked on the Letter H. Then it was math time and we added +1 and +2. We started our new bible subject...we are making a Lords Prayer book. So today we started by talking about what the Lord's Prayer is and making the cover page for the book.

Right now Anna is napping and Catherine is playing on her computer and I am chillen, which is really procrastination on ironing.

HMMM

Well lets's see.....it is Sunday.

I woke up to a really nice email from a person off the YS board. She was trying to give me support with this whole Anna thing. It is funny because right now I am sooo depressed about the whole thing. I want to sucessed so much with breastfeed, and yet I feel like I am failing soooo bad.

Tonight she did not want to nurse, all she wanted to do was scream. Finally she ate for a while...then we had dinner and I tried to nurse her again, and she ate more.

Then we fixed her oatmeal and she did pretty good with it.

Then it was bath time and then I tried to nurse again and she is in bed right now.

I just wish this would be soo much easier then it is. I don't remember it being so hard with Catherine, I know with Catherine I had to give her forumal but that is because my milk supply went down because of teaching....I am not teaching any more....I gave that up to be a stay at home mom....to be the best mother I can....to be good at something...and look at me I am failing.

Ok I need to just shut up before I start crying.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Well Happy New Year world!!!

I stayed up and welcomed the new year and then went to bed. I was tired by that point.

Our day consisted of going grocery shopping....FUN FUN.

Other then that we did not do much, it was a very quiet and relaxing day.

Lactation Visit - 5 months :(

Well today was lactation weight check and we failed....again.

Anna is offically 5 months old today..she weighs 10 Pounds and 8.9 oz. (she weighed 10 pouns 5 oz at 4 months).

So I got the whole "you are kiling your child speech" and told that if she does not increase her weight they will lable her failure to thrive.

So we go back next Tuesday for another weight check adn supose to see the Dr.

I HATE THIS!!!! all I have been doing is crying all morning.

At least our new furnature comes tomorrow so I can keep busy cleaning and getting the house ready for it.

Winter Xtreme

Well we are back home.

We met the youth at 8:30 am on Monday, December 27, 2004 and headed to Branson. WE stopped at Osceola Cheese for a potty break. Then we hit Lambert's!! Home of the Thrown Rolls!! It was great and it was funny because none of the kids had been there before and they did not know how to handle having food thrown at them.

From there we got to Branson...via a wrong turn...it was great! WE got lost in the windy mountain road and everything.

Finally we found the Theater and got registered. Discovered we have $87 in refund coming to us!!! BONUS!!! Then we found our hotel. Very nice hotel. Some of the youth went swimming and some of us worked out for while.

We grabbed dinner at McDonald's and hit the Theater. First up was SUPERCHIK!! Normally I love superchik to death, but they have changed....they were not as good as normal. Then Josh McDowell talked on Truth and what Jesus meant when he said "I am the Truth and the Light". VERY VERY interesting. THEN it was NEWSBOYS!!! Oh my gosh they rocked!!! What a wonderful concert!!

We got back to the hotel at 11 pm and we crashed!

Tuesday, December 28, 2004
WE got up bright and early for our free hotel breakfast!! Then off to the thearter...we heard from Tony N. and he was great. Then we listen to the Newsong concert. Then we off to lunch. We ate at a buffet and then went swimming. That night we had dinner at Taco Hell and it was off to go back for the Rachel Lampa concert, Dave ____ Spoke then the Skillet concert.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004
We got up and got packed. Then it was back to the theater. While everyone waited to get in I went to the leaders meeting. The neatest part I was talking to this guy...then out of the blue he goes "I think I know you"...I said yep....you were in band with me for two years...you played base clarinet, you were second chair and I was first. It was like a mini High School Reunion. He graduated after me...his brother graduated with me. He is now a youth director in St. Louis so it was cool. Then I met everyone at the theater and we saw David again....Lincon Brewster was the band. Then we hit the road. We stopped at Osceola cheese again and then got home.

It was a great time.

It is coming!!

Yahoo Kay Furnature just called and all our furnature is in!!! They are going to deliver our stuff on Dec. 31st....so for the new year we will have our furnature!!

Belly Laugh

Anna did her first Belly laugh today!!! Normally she coos and grins and makes happy sounds...but this morning while I was getting her out of her P.J.'s she let out a loude belly laugh...then she just looked at me like "how did that happen". She has not done it again since, but she did it!!!

She is feeling much better today, I think, much happier. So that is a good thing!!!

Dr. Appointment

Well Anna has had such a bad cold and she was up till 2:30 am so I called and got her into the Dr. Well we got into the nurse practitioner, and she said Anna's lungs are nice and clear, and her ears are clear!! Which is wonderful. Anna weighed in at 10 pounds 8 oz (up one ounce from the last lactation visit!!!!)

pooo

Well I am sitting her chillen and chatting and more and more I am think how terrible I am. I hate when I think like this. I could just start balling right now, I feel so crappy inside. Oh well.

Christmas Cards!

Well Tony and I stayed up till 10:30 pm Monday night and finished almost all the cards. The only ones left at 12 that need Family CD's added to them. So Tony is going to burn me off more CD's at work. I still have to mail my cards for the YS Board, but I have to buy more cards, I offically ran out of cards...I have never run out of cards before. That is what I get for getting a listing of cards from a messgae board. LOL I did not plan on that when I bought my cards last year. Yes you read that right, I buy my cards the day after Christmas each year. I do that so I can buy expencive cards and still afford them. Gotta love after Christmas sales!! I have even been known to buy Christmas Presents for the next year after Christmas. LOL


So today I helped trouble shoot the fax program for my mom, we think we have it fixed!!! So at noon I will call to see if either they have gotten faxes, and if they have not I will fax them again. :)

The girls and I went to the post office and mailed Cathy and Bruces box (the only box we have this year). And we bought more stamps.

Going to be making Sugar cookies in a few minutes. I need 2 dz for Thursday and another 2 dozen for Monday. So bring on the cookies!

Fax Machine

Well on Friday when we were on the road to Iowa Marilyn from the plant called, the fax machine was not picking up paper. So we told her not to worry about it till Monday. So today I went in to help my mom. We are going to try to turn a computer into the fax machine. Got the computer receiveing faxes, now we just have to get all the forms put on the computer. So that is my new mission...to computerize their letter head, bill of laden forms, and other forms!!! At least this will give me work and hours!!!

Christmas Lock-in

Well we had out Christmas Lock-in Saturday night! I think over all it was the best lock-in we have ever had. We had Trish, and Nelson there from start till about 10:30 pm. They took care of cooking dinner and oh boy what a help it was! Derek came and ran the Halo 2 contest and it was huge hit for the boys. Only Jennifer was even interested in Halo...but that is to be expected, I will admit it is a boys game by stereotype. We set up another Xbox in the sanctuary with other games going. At one point we had karioki going in the sanctuary. It was a blast. We had 11 youth there (5 guys and 6 girls - almost even!!!).

The gift action was a HUGE hit!! I want to remember this for next year. Hmmm just a thought, maybe I will do this for the Rainbow Girls party. hmmm might have to play with this idea.

I went to bed at 3 am and woke up at 7 am. So I did get some sleep.

Catherine had Christmas Program practice Sunday after church and then we came home. We all napped for till 5 pm.

Lactation

I have wonderful news!!!

We went for the lactaction visit....Anna gained 3 oz in the past week (keep in mind she only gained 5 oz in the past 2 months).....they had me feed her and she ate 3 oz!!!! So things are going good!!! And the best part is NO FORMUAL!!!

The Lactation nurse wanted me to come back next week...but I put it off till the 30th of Dec. that way I also get a 5 month weight for her baby book.

Thank you GOD!!

Lesbian Minister in PA defrocked.

Well I am finally siting around and putting my thoughts together on this whole issue:

The United Methodist spokesman for the IRD commended a United Methodist jury for finding the Rev. Beth Stroud to be guilty of “practices incompatible with Christian teaching” in a verdict released today.

Stroud publicly announced her active lesbianism last year in an open challenge to United Methodist Church law, which expects clergy to be celibate if single or monogamous in heterosexual marriage. Her defense at the trial, held outside Philadelphia, asked the jurors to make a pro-“gay” political statement by defying church law and finding Stroud innocent.

“It’s good news that a United Methodist court strongly upheld church law,” noted Mark Tooley, who directs the IRD’s United Methodist program. “This dramatically shows that the United Methodist Church is not going in the direction of the Episcopal Church. We will not surrender to the popular culture on matters of sexual ethics, which would result in the inevitable fracturing of our 8.3 million member denomination.”

In compliance with a ruling from the denomination’s highest church court, potential jurors who could not in good conscience uphold church law were asked to step aside from consideration. The verdict on Stroud’s guilt was 12-1.

During the trial, Stroud’s defense argued that because Stroud was well-liked and effective, that church law should be disregarded. Her defense counsel, himself a retired minister, told the jurors that ensuring “equal rights” for homosexual clergy was a “moral issue” that overrode other church standards.

But the retired bishop, Joseph Yeakel, who presided over the trial made clear to the jurors that they were bound to consider only the facts of the case and apply the church’s policies to these facts. Stroud, in her testimony, confirmed that she remains sexually involved with another woman, who attended the trial with her.

“In a culture awash with sexual confusion, which particularly affects the young, it is especially important for the church to make a clear witness about sexual ethics,” Tooley said. “We should expect this of our Christian leaders, especially our clergy."

So needless to say I am happy with the final ruling. I feel this person knew the rules and should have either chosen a different denimonation or a different lifestyle. I am sure I am going to get hate mail about it but it is the truth and sometimes the truth hurts people.

This is the official United Methodist stance on the issue of homosexuality.
"Homosexual persons no less than heterosexual persons are individuals of sacred worth. All persons need the ministry and guidance of the church in their struggles for human fulfillment, as well as the spiritual and emotional care of a fellowship that enables reconciling relationships with God, with others, and with self. Although we do not condone the practice of homosexuality and consider this practice incompatible with Christian teaching, we affirm that God’s grace is available to all. We implore families and churches not to reject or condemn their lesbian and gay members and friends. We commit ourselves to be in ministry for and with all persons."

So basically we are upholding the current UMC law....now if only the real courts our uphold the law and not change it to fit their wims.

Lactation

Well today was the 1st Lactation visit. Anna only ate 1 oz of food, which is not good. But she was soo wiggly and fussy so it is no suprise.

The lactation nurse said for me to get off the mini pill, and to increase my food intake, to pump 10 minutes after each feeding and to start reglan to increase my milk.

So we shall see

Anna's Eatting continues

I had a break down last night and just started balling about all of this. Tony was beside himself because he did nto knwo what todo.
The Lactation nurse called and i have to go in Thursday at 10am for a weigh, feed weigh...so they can see how much she is eatting at a time. I also have to keep a log of how much she eats, pees, and poops for the next 24 hours.

Fun fun

I also started back on Fenugreek to make my milk come in even more...talk about making my boobs sore!!

I also contacted the Lache League of the Northland to get help, info and advise.
Gotta love life sometimes.

It is funny Anna must know something is up...she has eatten every 2 hours for 30-40 minutes each time and has been peeing like a fool...and pooping too.
I will keep you posted on what happens at the Dr.'s office tomarrow.

Yeah we have Heat!!

Yeah we finally have heat. Our heat kept acting up...but if you turned the thermostat off and back on (it is a computer control thing) it would kick the furnace back on. Well Thursday night the furnace went out and would not come back on.....so we were cold all day Friday and last night. Well a repairman came out and it turns out thecontroller in the furnace went out. So $280 later we have HEAT!!

Man its chilly

For some reason our furnice seems to be acting up. It works great then out of the blue it won't stay on. So it is chilling in this house. Thank gosh we have a fire place and wood.

I need sleep

Poor Anna was up all night screaming. I think she is constipated, she is tooting but has not pooped in 3 days and if you push on her gut she screams even louder. The only time I got her to sleep was for about 30 minutes at 6:30 am when I just cuddled her. So needless to say I am tired!!

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Turkey Day. Or should I say Ham day in our case.

We had a great Thanksgiving. My mom and pops came over, we also had Russ and Gretta from church over. We had a wonderful dinner. We used the formal dinning room, with our kitchen chairs, since the formal ones are not here yet.

We had Honey Baked ham, Garlic/Parmesan mashed potatoes, Mashed sweet potatoes, Zesty Green Beans, Corn ball things (my mom made them), Green jello salad, orange jello salad, Cesar salad, butternut squash soup, rolls, cranberries, pickles and olives, deviled eggs, pecan pie, double layer pumpkin pie, and pear torte. Needless to say we have TONS of left overs!!

It was funny we cleared the table from eating and it dawned on us we never took any pictures. SO I took some while we had desert, but they are on the regular camera so I have to wait to get them developed.

Let it snow let it snow let it snow

We woke up Wednesday morning to snow. We ened up getting 7 inches, it was soo beautiful. I took pictures and will get them uploaded shortly, then I will added them.

Catherine played with Bri in the snow, they built a snowman and just played and played.

While she was playing I set out to clean the drive way and sidewalks....an hour and half later I was finally done!! Talk about long. But hey it was done.

We went to the Thanksgiving Day service at church, it was ok. One cute thing I they asked you to write down something you were thankful for. SO I gave my sheet to Catherine and told her to draw what she thankful for...so she drew first a Rock, then a person and said the person was here, then finally another person and she said it was me. So she was Thankful for Rocks, Herself, and Mommy.

After church we went to Target because I found out they have Edamame, japanese soy beans...they are soo wonderful. So I bought two bags of them. We also got a step stool for the bathroom for Catherine, since I took her potty chair away, which is what he used for a step stool.

From there we came home and finished cleaning the house!

We have music!!

Well I finally got music added to my Message board!! Right now it is play el shaddi.

The next trick is to learn how to make it play through my music library I put on my server.

And to think when Christmas rolls around I will put on Christmas Music!! heheheh I can't wait the little things that excite me!!

No Swimming

Well Pop's just called, I guess Catherine was the only person who signed up for Swimming this go around at the hospital. So they called and said it was cancelled, must have at least 6 people (3 kids and 3 parents) in order for swimming to take place. So for the next 6 weeks no swimming.

So he is planning a fun time with Catherine. Tonight they are going to Union Station and see a movie about 3-D movies, then out to dinner. So she is all dressed up ready to hit the down with her Grandpi.

Worried about my mom

I finally got my mom to open up and tell me what is going on. I knew something was going on, because she kept having Doctor appointments. Well today she told me. We were trying to plan how to do something for her birthday tomorrow (Thur) she said she has yet another Dr. visit.

I finally said "look I know something is going on, please tell me when you can" Since she is at work I did not want her to tell me while she was there, if she did not want to.
Well they physically have found a lump in her left breast. They did an ultrasound and memogram on her breast and can see nothing, yet they can feel it.

So she has an appointment with a Dr. on Thursday to find out what they want to do ect.

She says she thinks it is nothing and she does not want to be cut open for them to tell her it is nothing.

I do hope she is right and it really is nothing.

FEAR FACTOR!!!

UMYF (it is combined 6th - 12th grade.) we did Fear Factor. Talk about a great hit and a great mess.

Our events were:
Toothpaste game - you have one person laying on the floor and one person on a chair above their head. The person on the chair is blind folded and squirts toothpaste into a cup in the mouth of the person on the floor.

Spam Scarffing - see who can eat a can of spam the fastest. Oh my gosh I got generic spam and it smelled soo gross.

Banana Legs - you put a pantie hose over your head (we used knee highs) and try to eat a banana through it.

Kool aid chug - if each youth a packet of unsweetened kool aid and they use their finger to eat it.

Alka Seltzer contest - you put an alka seltzer tablet in your mouth and drink a swig of sprite. See who can keep the foam in their mouth the longest. Note - it will start coming out their nose if they get alot of foam going.

Pop contest - see who can drink a can of coke the fastest. Man some of the youth started burping soo hard.

Twinkie contest - the youth had to eat three twinkies as fast as they could. The trick is the third twinkie was not filled with cream but with stuff like pickle relish, jpapolinos, bbq sauce...etc.

Mystery Drink - the activities were planed by our UMYF president and vice presdent and they got to make the drink. WE gave them a blender and safe food and they had at it. The drink had: Spam, chocolate syrip, bacon bits, peperika, m&m's, sprite, coke, hot sauce.

This whole night was made even better because a parent brought their camcorder and make a DVD of the event so when it was all over we watched it.

Here are the pictures if you want Fear Factor Pictures

Side note: the issue that was going on with Youth A and YOuth B is totally weird. They both showed up to UMYF and acted like nothing was wrong. I don't get it at all but hey something I guess are not ment to be understood.

I can't believe this is happening!!!

Today is the first of the month...and with each first of the month we had our staff meeting. The meeting went good, which was normal.

Following the meeting I had to sit through a meeting with our minister and our Director of lay ministry. I guess it is easier if I put it this was...we have a young person in our youth who has told our minister that I told another youth that their father should get off his lazy A$$ and get a job. First off..I don't talk like that, second the day they said this happened the youth was in a parade and not at church, third the youth who said I said this was at work that day. THis young person also clams they are scared of me, becuase they are afraid to get on my "bad side", that they don't want to be excluded from things. She referenced the fact that I will not allow a youth to stay at my house for lock-ins (coudl it be because this person has stolen from me, and others in our church)...plus I have talked to this youths family and they understand.

So I guess the next step is our minster is having this youth write down all that they say has happened and goign to turn it over to our parish committee (this is the committee that deals with hiring and firing and staff issues). So I guess I will have to sit down and explain myself to them.

I can not believe this is happening. I guess what gets me is this is the family that Tony and I have bent over backwards for. We are the ones who get them to and from church, who feed them and who have paid for stuff for them.Part of me just wants to quit soo bad as youth director. I can not belive that this youth I loved and care so much for would try to hurt me like this. I know I am just very emotional right now and don't need to make decisions like this being so emotional. Plus quiting right now would convay a sence of guilt to them. So I guess I am just going to wait this crap out and see what becomes of it.All I can say is another teenager is not coming over to my house...and I not opening my self up to another teen again.

Oh gosh writing this is making me cry again.

Thank God I have a family who loves me.

Half done

Well tonight we put the changing table in Anna's room. I need to wash it down and get a new changing pad for the top of it. We are going to try to put the crib up tomarrow I think. However who knows when she will go there, but it will be set up.

I have folded 6 loads of laundry....talk about alot of clothes.

Catherine crashed about 6 pm and I am just letting her sleep. I think this cold is more then she bargened for.

TGIF

LOL what a funny title for today. I saw a hoody the other day that said "TGIF - Thank God I'm Female!"

Today I woke up to Catherine crying, she decided to get a knife and try to cut up a pear and ended up cutting her thumb. Not bad at all, but yet she was freaking out. So Catherine learned why we always say no sharp knives.

So we got Anna up, feed her and Catherine and Anna played in the family room while I started cleaning. Catherine must have worn Anna out because she rolled over and went to sleep.

So today is the day to get the front room ready for Anna. I am moving out the blue chair and outmon so we can put her crib and changing table in. I am goign to unpack all the 3-6 month clothes and get them washed, because her 0-3 are starting to get short on her. I looked 3-6 clothes start at 12 pounds and Anna weighs 11, so she will need them soon.

Election is over!!

Oh my I am soo thankful this election is over!! It has been the longest election campain I think I ever recall, so ugly and so just so tireing.

Bush did win, which I am soo thankful for. Personally I was so against Kerry, he scared me, he was soo crazy in my oppion.

Now I pray that everything that was said will come to be, and I have faith in God and that it will.

I pray that everything is Iraq gets resolved and that the people of Irauq continue to be free and begin to run their own country.

I pray that the terrist who hate us so much will get touched by God and that their hearts will be changed and they will see the errors of their ways and have a total change.

Election Day

Happy November 2, 2004....the emfoumouse Election day.

I woke up this morning and my cold is getting worse...turning into a full blown head cold :( I guess it is par for the course.

Well today is Election day at our house...Catherine is doing activities that deal with elections. We are going to leave here in about 20 minutes so she can learn how voting works.

It was soo funny. I went to go vote today and so I sat at a table with Catherine and read her the ballot, I wanted her to see what this voting thing was all about. Well we got to the president question...So I read her the four choices (we had four on our ballot)...she said kinds loud....Vote for Bush I want Bush! THe people waiting in line to get their ballots busted up laughing. I was soo embarished...I was like "Catherine you need to talk quetly just whisper to me".
It was funny guess you had to be there.

(going to work on getting all my on-line diary stuff moved to this format.)

All Saintes Day!!

Happy All Saints day! Today is offically All Saint's Day.

Today I went out with the girls and went fabric shopping. It was a good time. I think. I ended up buying fabric for their Christimas Dresses and also other cool fabric, some fall and halloween to be used next year. I am such a dork!!

Catherine and I did some of her school work, we finished the letter Dd and started the letter Pp. We never got to our math work, because she was being goofy.

I am still fighting my cold but that is ok.

The wood man showed up to give us a bid for taking down our front tree that died after the tornado. Well he want $385 to remove it. My mom and I think that is a great price, but I have a feeling my dad thinks other wise. My dad said he will let me know what to do in a few days. The tree turns out to be a pin oak tree (learned something new).

I guess I should get started on the girls dresses, will start in the morning.

Happy Halloween!!!!

Well is Sunday and it is Halloween!!!

We did the normal, picked up Stephanie and Mindy for church, did Sunday School and worship.

Then came UMYF Halloween Party. Each year our UMYF throw the children's Halloween Party and this year was no exeption. We had approximatly 25 children there!! The youth did a great job. The only issue we had was because it was on Halloween a lot of youth split when it was over and thus clean up was a pain. NOTE TO SELF: Next time the party is on Halloween it will end earlier so we don't have this issue!!

This year Catherine was an orange, it was a costume of mine from High School, my dad made a frame for it so it would stay poofed out for her. I made Anna a Banana this year. Needless to say Anna did not like her costume, she screemed everytime she was in it. It rained while they went trick-or-treating, so they only went to like 4 hours, but they got a ton of candy.

.

Here is our web page for Halloween this year http://www.dragonvale.net/personal/halloween04.htm

28 week check-up

Well let's just say I left my Dr. visit feeling like I accomplished nothing. I had my visit with Dr. Fitch (big mistake - this is the same Dr. who when he could not find the baby's heart beat via Doppler at 12 weeks, thought nothing about it - I made him do an u/s then). Well I was not thinking when I made this appointment and that is who I made it with.

So I got there at 9:30 am because I was doing my glucose test while I was there. First I check in and they try to tell me I owe $60 in back visits. I told them I talked to the billing company and that they have the $20 copy for those 3 visits but that they did not apply them yet...and so the lady in charge of billing in the office, looked it up. Finally said she would get back to me before I left.

So I walked back to the lab and got my glucose drink. I HATE THAT STUFF...I guess it is worse since I don't drink regular pop at all, and only drink 1 diet pop a week. But I got it down. While waiting for my 10 am appointment I pulled out my check book and found the check #'s for the those three visits so I was ready to go if I had to fight them on it.

THe nurse came, my favorite nurse, she in normally Dr. Spell's nurse (My favorite Dr.). So first she weighed me. I gained 1 pound. So now I am down only by 5 pounds total. I was hoping to stay the same or be down another pound..but oh well. The nurse then had me pee in the cup..and my urine came back just fine...no traces of anything. Then we took my blood pressure...it was 110/68 (right on track for me). Then she asked me how things where going, I told her about the diarrhea I have been having, she asked what vitamin I was on...because some of them have a stool softener, but mine does not...plus if that was the case it should have started from the beginning not just with in the past 2 weeks.

So then I waited for the Dr. He came in...then it hit me I was with the jerk. He asked me if I was doing my glucose test, I said YEP. Then he said ok let's check the babies heart beat. He used the Doppler, to be honest I think he found my heartbeat not the babies..but he said it was the babies. Then he had me sit up. I had to ask him if he got a heart beat rate...he said "ahh it is about 150"....to which I thought...about what the hell does that mean.

He asked me if everything was ok...I told him about the diarrhea issues. He asked me if I had been out of town, NOPE. Asked me if I was drinking tons of milk, Nope one maybe 2 glasses a day. He told me no milk or cheese for 2 days to see if that helps (hello I have been drinking milk the whole time..why would it do something now). Then he asked me who my primary Dr. was. I told him well it use to be Cicero (who has since lost his medical license for selling drug samples)...and since he stopped practicing I have gone to the Northland Group, where Cicero was, but I don't care for them so i guess I don't have one. His response was....well having diarrhea like you are is not normal...you need to see a Dr. HELLO WHAT THE HELL IS HE??? MOST DR'S WON'T TOUCH A PREGGY WOMEN WITH A 10 FOOT POLL IF THEY CAN HELP IT!!!

So with that I gave up. He said any other questions, I was like "no" and I left. As I went to check out the receptionist said they took care of the billing problems..and i own nothing..it was all a mistake. Next visit is in 4 weeks...my 32 week check up. Which surprised me..I thought I would go back in 2 weeks...guess not. Not sure how they will handle the c-section stuff..because they said I had to set they date at 30 weeks..but I won't see them till 32 weeks. Oh well at this point I don't give a rats butt.

So after my blood was drawn I left. That a waste of a morning.

Dr. Visit!!!!!

OK I went to the Dr. today. New Dr. in my OB/GYN clinic. Her name is Dr. Spell. Turns out in talking she was studing to be an RE when she decided to be an OB/GYN so she could deliver babies.

She stat and we talked for 2 hours!!

She went over all the results of all the test that the other Dr. had done and looked at all my temp charts. She said basicly only one cycle of all my charts did I even really show good ovulations. And of course this cycle and last I have never ovulated. She said that she read about my u/s and it bothered her that nothing more was done. She showed me the report which states: "Tiny follicles cysts in both ovearies but normal size ovaries" She said that alone the other Dr. should have started me on meds for PCOS...or sent me to teh RE. She was mad that he did nothing except offer me clomid. She asked what BCP I was on before TTC, I told her "Ortho Tri-Cycline" she told me how she hates those pills and has seen tons of trouble with ladies comeing off of them.

She then told me I have two choices. She can put me Glucophase and monitor me for a month or two then send me to RE if no results...or send me to an RE now. I told her how I would like to wait for the RE till January becuase of insureance and deductables. She told me all of the sideffects of glucophase and what to do if I have any problems.

She then did a pelvic exam to check my ovaries and said that my right ovary is starting to get enlarged. She said one or two more cycles like I ahve been having and it would really be bad.

She sent me to get lab work before I start Glucophase (i have the script, she will call me and tell me to fill it or not after the lab work is in).

I go back in 6 weeks to see her, with temp charts to see if the glucophase is helping. Also I go back to the lab after 4 weeks of glucophase to draw for blood work to make sure all is good.

She gave me a box of Prometrium to take to kick start me. ANd I take it, again, for 10 days then I should have my period.So that is teh scoop on the poop.

I offically have PCOS, mild but there.Editied to say: I forgot I have lost 10 pounds since my last Dr. visit...so I now way less then I did when I was PG with Catherine!!!

Happy Friday

Well today has been great!!! and the cramps have chilled!!

I helped my mom cut the grass at what will be our new house. Then my mom and I went out to lunch. Then to Hobby Lobby, because my mom wanted some fabric. Then to the cemitary to put new flowers out for my Grandma and Grandpa.

Then I went to church to print bulletins.

Then came home fixed dinner. Then I worked on Emoticons! We have over 180 now!! And I keep getting more and making more! I sure hope you ladies love them as much as I do.

I am tempped to test tomarrow if my temp is back up. So we will see. My nipples hurt soooo bad!! I mean they freaken hurt!!!!

Happy Wednesday

Well Wednesday has been a good day!! I did some cleaning around the house, I seem to never be able to keep up with the cleaning. I am on CD 58, today I have some mild pressure it hurts if you push on my gutt. I spotted a little bit today but not to bad. only twice on the TP.

Stephen Ministry was good tonight..it was about using the Scriptures to help people. We also talked about praying for people and with people. How to find out what their prayer needs are and then praying with them. Over all it was good.

The Weekend that was.

Well Let's see I did not write all weekend. Bad me! Let's seee what all has happend:Saturday, worked around the house and make the new image for Christian Women.Sunday.Got up and got ready for churchWent and picked up one of the youth for Sunday School.Taught Sunday SchoolWent to Worship ServiceWent to Breakfast with my family and friends.

Went to the plant and changed clothes. Took Catherine to the Pumpkin Patch to pick out her pumpkins.We has such a great time. Catherine was soo funny. We ended up buy 5 pumpkins, and I even got some Christmas Shopping done!! My parents took Catherine to there home after Pumpkin Patching it.

We went and picked up two youth for Youth Group. THere where 12 youth at Youth Group!! I was sooo happy. The topic was Abuse. It was very eye opening to alot of them.

After Youth Group we attended the Leadership Team meeting at church. The Team wants to come up with a purpose of the church..a mission statement. Then we too the two youth home. I learned stuff I never wanted to know about these girls. We knew there parents where having troubles. They have told us they fear their parents will be devorsing. So I knew that. What I did not know was that their dad has hit them before and that both their parents do drugs. This was something I really REALLY did not want to know. As I told Tony while we ate some dinner I just want to pull these girls out of their house and take them home with me. I can not believe they have to go through this crud. It is funny because all summer Youth just went along like nothing special. Now that the school is back into full gear, we find ourselfs doing more Ministry with these teens.

CW Image!!!

Whoo what a wonderful board this is. WEll here is what I did today!!



Took me forever but it rocks!! I am goign to make it linkable and give everyone the code so they can add it to their sigi's if they want! I am sooy happy and sooo proude

WOW My board is working out great. I am soo happy. Tony is working on helping me come up with a cool animated logo and matching blinkie for everyone. He is soo cool he being soo suportive of this. He is the one who made the redirect page and got the page adverised on Web site search engines to help us get known :) I am so thankful for him.Last night we went and worked on picking out new light fixtures for the house. We figure we have about 4 -6 weeks till they will be done. Also I got a call this morning, someone is interested in buying our house we live in!! I would be soo happy if we could sell it without going through a relator! (save money!)Tony is home today from work with a terrible headache. He was sick lastnight while we where picking out light fixtures. I hope he gets to feeling better.Today we went and vinished picking out light fixtures and picked out all our appliences!!!!! I will post pictures of them later.

Welcome to Nettie's World

Well this is the Intro to Nettie's world. A new world has begun. Yesterday was the final straw for me when it comes to people hurting each other on a Message Board. So I set out to start a new board to make one that is happy, peaceful and suportive. I hope this works out. This is the beginning of Christian Women.

http://p089.ezboard.com/bchristianwomen81059

Wow what a great start!!

WOW my message board is working out great. I am soo happy. DH is working on helping me come up with a cool animated logo and matching blinkie for everyone. He is soo cool he being soo suportive of this. He is the one who made the redirect page and got the page adverised on Web site search engines to help us get known :) I am so thankful for him.Last night we went and worked on picking out new light fixtures for the house. We figure we have about 4 -6 weeks till they will be done. Also I got a call this morning, someone is interested in buying our house we live in!! I would be soo happy if we could sell it without going through a relator! (save money!)DH is home today from work with a terrible headache. He was sick lastnight while we where picking out light fixtures. I hope he gets to feeling better.Today we went and vinished picking out light fixtures and picked out all our appliences!!!!! I will post pictures of them later.