Well every since Sunday things have been crappy between me and my mom.
Monday she brought Catherine back to the house, and told me that Catherine has a cough...then got in her car and left.
Tuesday I called her in morning like I always do....and all she had to say to me was she had a frog in her throat.
Wednesday, again I call her like normal. She ask me how the girls are and I told her doing ok. She asked about Catherine's cough. And then she told me she was fine and hung up.
Gosh I can't take this. Why in the world did I have to let this happen, why in the world does my mom like to make me feel so guilty about having a family. WHY WHY WHY.
It is funny because I have been crying ever since I got off the phone with her. Catherine keeps asking me what is wrong. I told her "Mommy's feelings are hurt". And her response is "That happens sometimes." Gotta love the thoughts of a 4 year old.
Oh well I guess we shall see how tonight goes, we have an advisory board meeting tonight, so I will be with my mom for about 3 hours and it should be interesting to say the least.
Sometimes I just wish this was all one big night mare, which is sad and scary. I love children, I really do, but at the same time I wish this was not happening. The same feelings I had when I was preggy with Catherine. At that point was would have almost done anything to not be preggy, although I dunno I would have really done anything, the thoughts defiantly went through my mind. Today I find my self almost in the same boat, I would never do anything, but at the same time I wish I was not preggy.
I hate the fact that my parents are mad at me. I wish I could just make this happy, but I can't. I dunno if I ever will. It is funny because sometimes something will be going really good, and they will say "I am soo proud of you" but if something is not going they way they think it should, they will be all so happy to tell me how terrible I am doing and such. I wonder if it is because the good times they really are not proud of me, or happy for me....but rather are proud and happy about the way it makes them look. They are very much worried about what others will say of them. I know this because I have been told many times, "don't do something that will make our family look bad" or "Remember you do stuff to make the family look good". Why is it so wrong to make mistakes, why is it so wrong to do things you want to do.
I guess what I am trying to say is why won't people just love me for being me. I honestly believe Tony and the girls love me for being me...but why can't the rest of my family. I guess that even explains why I can't love me for being me.
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